Tara's New Years resolutions

- Eat more ramen. This is because Tracy bought a ginormous box of ramen from Costco, and it would be unethical to let it go to waste.

- Don't skip church. In fact, branch out and go to more churches. If you want to visit the Presbyterian church on Nebraska, a small Anabaptist church in Adams Morgan, or the National Cathedral, let me know...

- Learn the names of everyone who lives on my floor. Especially my neighbors. After a semester, I have no idea who they are and that's pathetic. 

- FIND MYSTERIOUS MENNONITE BOY. He has brown hair and a dove tattoo on his arm, and I don't know anything else about him because we've never actually met, even though I know we're soulmates. Obviously, this is a problem. If you ever see him on campus, help me out and give him my number. In a totally normal, random act of kindness kind of way. (Side note: my mom has this theory that now that I have my own tattoo, our Mennonite tattoos will naturally gravitate towards each other and we'll be magnetically attracted to the same spot on the quad, where we will meet and talk about theology for hours. I'm not so convinced, so I'm taking matters into my own hands.)

- Try not to resent all of the other people clogging up the gym who have obviously made their own resolutions. They're allowed to use the elliptical machines too...even though I never saw them there LAST semester...

- Go on a blind date. This is the kind of painfully awkward experience that everyone needs to have, right? Like a rite of passage. And just think, it will be reeeeally good blogging material! This is another one that you, my dear readers, can help me out with -- hook me up with some total strangers, please.

things making me smile today

Lily Allen – Who’d’ve Known

<3tracy

Thanks, Mom

"I hope you like these earrings, Tara. I thought they would go well with your tattoo." -Ren

only in Mennoniteland...

Instead of going to a normal Christmas party -- you know, complete with cookies and caroling and maybe some tree trimming -- my cousin Patrick and I spent our evening at a Messiah party.

As in, Handel's Messiah. As in, assorted string instruments and a clarinet and a trumpet and a few dozen Mennonites with their own score books. (In this case, BYOB referred not to alcohol, but to these 250-page score books, just in case some people had a few extra lying around the house. Which they did. Duh.)

Yes, we all gathered in someone's home at 7:00 on a Friday night to sing the Messiah, in four part harmony with instrumental accompaniment. There were refreshments served afterward. No one was there to listen to us, aside from some partygoers who needed to rest their vocal chords for a few movements. It was purely for our own entertainment. We stumbled through some of the more difficult arrangements, but we sang every single one of the choruses and even coerced a couple people (like poor Patrick) into doing some of the solos.

When we finished the last "Amen"s, everyone chatted for a few minutes but quickly moved to gather their coats and head for home. I guess when the Messiah ends, the Messiah party has to end too.

I've been to some crazy themed parties (golf pros and tennis hos, anyone???? gotta love frats), but never anything quite like this.

<3tara

cold case: the mystery pooper

A couple of years ago my family was victim to a horrible, unspeakable crime. My father walked outside one morning and on our back lawn he found a giant pile of poop. This poop raised a lot of questions.

"Is it human?"
"How did it get here?"
"Why us?"

Unfortunately, our questions went unanswered so my father dutifully cleaned it up and we all agreed to just move on with our lives.

Until the next morning.

"Mary, come out here. You won't believe this!"

That's right, there it was. Again. Right in the same exact spot. More giant poop.

We were starting to get worried. Who or what was doing this? How was it getting into our yard? My dad once again disposed of the evidence. And just when we thought life was back to normal...

IT HAPPENED AGAIN. And then again after that. Yes, folks, you read that right. FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW.

And then, it just stopped. Sure, we had a giant dead spot on our lawn, but there was no more poop!

That is, until a few nights ago. Sunday morning my dad went out to get the paper and when he came back inside he just looked at us and asked, "What kind of animal would poop on the bumper of our car?" The conversation that followed went a little something like this:

Mom: "Is it human?"
Dad: "I don't know. It might be. I can't tell if it's human poop, animal poop, or a tootsie roll."
Mom: "A TOOTSIE ROLL??"
Dad: "I mean, it could be, I don't know. I just...why on the bumper?"

I had plans to photograph the alleged poop (for display on this blog, of course) but sadly my father hosed the car down before I got the chance.

But I couldn't help but wonder if this was the same perpetrator (poopetrator?) that terrorized my family two years ago. We'll probably never know.

<3tracy

apparently my dad wants to singlehandedly save the planet...

by keeping the house at 50 degrees. 

Despite the fact that it snowed today. Despite the fact that he didn't let me wear my scarf to family dinner. Despite the fact that I am slowly freezing to death. He says I need to think about my carbon footprint. 

I have never resented environmentalism so much (sorry, Tracy).

<3tara

welcome home!

I stumbled out of bed this morning and made my way to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. But when I reached for the cupboards, there were men in my way. Three large hairy men, all lying on the floor. 

In my barely conscious state, it took me a couple of minutes to realize that they were there for a reason other than scaring me half to death at 9:30 am -- they were installing a new dishwasher. Since I was wearing my pajamas, my glasses, and no bra, it goes without saying that it was the perfect time to meet some friendly dishwasher men. I was so flustered that I turned around and left the kitchen without getting any breakfast.

I love when my parents keep me in the loop about things that happen at our house. This is reminiscent of the time that my mom hired roofers to fix the shingles outside of our bathroom, but didn't remember to tell me before I decided to take a shower. At least I was wearing some clothing this morning.

<3tara

*breaking news*

i
hate
traveling

<3tracy

oh, roxanne

"I never miss an opportunity to pelvic thrust!" -Roxanne

worst morning ever.

8:25 am: I roll over, look at my clock, and have a heart attack. My Spanish exam is at 8:30.

8:43 am: I have mysteriously forgotten every verb conjugation I have ever learned. I contemplate writing my entire essay in "literary present tense" -- because if it's an essay, then it's literary. Right?

9:05 am: Since I'm allowed to use a dictionary, a sheet of notes, and a bibliography, this may be the easiest exam ever administered. I pull myself together and stop being a total gringa.

9:27 am: My sinuses threaten mutiny. I can't breathe out of my nose. I have become that obnoxious girl who sniffles throughout the entire test, interrupting everyone else's silent stress. I try to ignore the death glares.

9:50 am: It's raining. I pine for my umbrella and my boots, which are both at the bottom of the closet that I didn't have time to open this morning. 

10:19 am: I have less than 3 hours until my Psychology exam, and I couldn't tell you the parts of the brain that affect short-term memory if my life depended on it. I choose to blog instead of review.

<3tara

*spoiler alert*

I hardly ever watch movies. I have a truly embarrassing lack of cinematic knowledge. Whenever someone asks me if I've ever seen this classic, or that blockbuster, or that movie that everyone in their right mind has seen just because it's the right thing to do or the American way to be, my answer is always no. I attribute this to the fact that my parents heavily censored my childhood. Anything that included violence -- or even allusions to violence, jokes about violence, or the suggestion that violence might be justifiable in any way, shape, or form -- was strictly off-limits until I was old enough to lie. Needless to say, this helped me grow up to be an awesome Mennonite, but a terrible movie watcher. 

Anyway, the past couple of weeks have been incredibly uncharacteristic for me because I am a) actually allowing myself to procrastinate a little, and b) watching a LOT of movies. I realized that I've seen 10 movies in the past 3 weeks -- which is not only a personal record, but also the perfect number for a list for this blog. So, dear readers, here is my valuable opinion on all of the wide range of things I've been watching lately. I know it carries a lot of weight.

Tara's Past Ten Movies (in the order in which I watched them)

1. Quantum of Solace (2008): I actually paid $10 to see this in theaters because I fucking love James Bond, and I REALLY fucking love Daniel Craig. But I was mixed about this movie. I totally got my Daniel Craig fix, but not my James Bond fix -- I wanted more gadgets, more girls, more sex, and less tortured quests for vengeance. Also, I know Bond is a lot of things, but he is NOT fireproof. For the record.

2. The Dark Knight (2008): SUB's free on-campus screening was the first time I ever saw this movie. (Go ahead and judge me.) It was awesome, but I think my experience was hampered by the fact that I started watching it at 11:00 pm on a Tuesday and it may be the longest movie ever created in the history of the entire world. I was soooooooo sleeeeeepy. To fully appreciate this movie, I probably need to watch it again in the middle of the afternoon accompanied by a lot of caffeine.

3. The Notebook (2004): It was on TV over Thanksgiving break, and even though I've seen it and bawled my eyes out a handful of times already, I gave in. While I'm on the subject, one time my friend tried to convince me to lay down in the middle of the street like they do in the beginning of the movie, but I'm too terrified of cars to entertain that thought for half a second. Sorry, Ryan Gosling -- even you wouldn't be able to get me to do THAT.

4. Burn After Reading (2008): I love free movies on campus! And I liked this movie, even though the Coen brothers are fucking weird and I was sad when Brad Pitt died so abruptly.

5. Love Actually (2003): This was on TV the other day when I was at the gym, and it may be the only movie in the world that can motivate me to stay on the treadmill for any longer than I have to. I worked out an extra 30 minutes just so I could see the scene with Keira Knightly and the boom box and the poster boards. Aside from being amazingly awesome, this movie has the added benefit of getting me excited for Christmas. Because at Christmas, you tell the truth. Sigh.

6. Rules of Attraction (2002): Lauren and Roxanne and I decided that this sounded like a good movie to watch because it was described as "a love triangle between a virgin, a bisexual, and a drug dealer." In addition to that craziness, it also included some super explicit sex scenes, a lot of weird flashbacks, a knife fight, and a disturbing suicide. Also, Dawson from Dawson's Creek was in it, which I thought was weird. I think we're all trying to erase it from our memories.

7. The Sex and the City Movie (2008): Greatest chick flick ever. No question. This movie inspires me and Tracy to be more fabulous in our day-to-day lives. 

8. In the Land of Women (2007): Lauren and I decided to be lame last Saturday and stay in and watch this movie. We were intrigued because Adam Brody plays a twentysomething who writes erotic literature for a living. It turns out that his character also falls in love with a married woman with breast cancer AND her 17-year-old daughter. And makes out with both of them in the rain. And there's no real resolution? We were confused and very disturbed and somehow still attracted to Adam Brody, all at once.

9. The Mission (1986): I had to watch this movie in preparation for my Spanish final, which doesn't really make sense because it's an old movie starring Robert De Niro that is originally in English. But whatever. It's all about imperialism and the destruction of indigenous culture, and everyone dies in a bloody battle that lasts for the entire last 30 minutes of the movie. Emotional torture. I may still be too depressed to write about it during my final on Thursday. 

10. P.S. I Love You (2007): I remember watching the previews for this movie and thinking that it looked sort of cute. But then I figured out the catch: he's dead. Her husband is fucking DEAD and it's sad and I shouldn't have watched it on the very same day that I watched The Mission. I may need to cheer myself up by watching Love Actually for the 70573537 time. 

That's all folks.

<3tara

meanwhile, in the nook...

So here I am in the nook trying to finish my art history take-home final. I've got exactly 2 hours and 57 minutes left and I'm beginning to suspect I won't actually finish it. But in the interest of procrastinating, I found this short film.

It's everything a low-budget, amateur, youtube film should be, and more! I laughed. I cried. I fell in love with the boy in the blue shirt.

And, okay, I admit, I danced a little bit too.

So check it out and pray that the Cheer Uppers come to my little nook and cheer me up. Trust me, after this exam, I'm going to need it.

a confession

Roxanne, Lauren, Trent, and I just wasted an hour of our lives watching the new episode of The Hills (believe me, you didn't miss anything) followed by an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. A Christmas episode, no less. Some highlights:


"Man, I miss Bob Saget."

"A dog video! The dog videos are my favorite! I only laugh when there are animals or babies involved."

"YES! A montage!!!! It doesn't get any better than a montage."

"You know, I really wish there were more Christmas-themed clips..."

"Ouch, he fell right on his nibbly bits!"

I am slightly ashamed of myself, but also sort of impressed that I am constantly discovering new ways to avoid studying for my finals. Next stop: holiday-themed movies on ABC Family?

<3tara

no, really, it's not me, it's totally you

The deadlines in my life really need to step up their game. Back in the beginning of our relationship they never failed to alarm me. I'd run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to complete assignments and study for exams. Back then you might even find me in the library. I know, right? Absurd. But deadlines back then seemed exciting and dangerous to me. It was really the thrill that kept our relationship afloat.

But slowly our relationship has changed. The fire is just gone. I have an exam in 10 hours that I've hardly even studied for. A take-home exam due tomorrow. And like three other papers to write. And yet, here I am, lounging in my bed blogging after sleeping in until 10AM. I feel no sense of urgency. All I really feel is a little twang of guilt that I don't care more.

Mostly I just want to get it over with. That's not supposed to happen until you're married, right? Well I'm certainly not married to my deadlines. So what's the deal deadlines? Why is our relationship so unfulfilling? If this doesn't change soon, I'm afraid we're through.

<3tracy

why it takes me so long to finish group projects

So as I type this, I am sitting in the Club Council office in MGC. I'm supposed to be working on a group marketing project with Alex Livingston but honestly, what's happening here more closely resembles a slumber party than a study session. Alex is even running around with my fleece Care Bear's blanket as a cape. I just want to share a few gems from this now 8 hour-long experience:






First, have you ever seen the original logo for Apple Inc.? Because it's ridiculous. If you can't see what's happening in that logo, it's a picture of Isaac Newton. Under the apple tree. WFT!? This is so bizarre I can't even handle it. Just wanted to share it.





Now on to my favorite conversations of the day/night:

Alex: You know what is a great word? Behove.
Me: What does behove mean?
Alex: Behove. You know, behoved! Like it behoves me to do something. Behovedbehovedbehoved.
Me: Okay...


Alex: Tracy, have you ever smoked pot?
Me: No.
Alex: I did once. It was a religious experience. I'm telling you. I ate a bowl of fruity pebbles and it was like I was eating God's cereal. I could feel the grooves on every pebble. And the flavors! It was like Jesus juiced the fruits himself!


I'm sure more hilarity will ensure. I'll keep you posted.


<3tracy

courtesy of my brother

<3tracy

Tara and Tracy on the Danish language

"tak snuk, du er den bedste/sødeste/smukkeste kæreste nogensinde."

Tracy: Danish is silly. It may be the most nonsensical language ever.

Tara: Yeah. It sounds like "flibbertigibbet."

Tracy: We should blog about this.

Tara: How am I going to spell "flibbertigibbet"???

the difference between my life and Tracy's life

Tracy gets up at 7 AM and works at her internship for half of the day. Then she spends 9 million hours in her SPA Leadership class.

I bake Christmas cookies, watch a weird movie on the independent film channel, and decorate our window with paper snowflakes.

Tracy finally comes home at 11:30 PM and appreciates my beautiful coffee-filter creations for about 3 seconds before demanding, "What do you DO with your life?!?!??"

Sometimes I wonder too....

<3tara

moments like this make me remember why i actually don't hate my internship

Only at Earth Day Network can I hear a grown man use the phrase, "I hate their guts!" in reference to Wal-Mart.

Love it.

<3tracy

live from the white-walled, windowless room i call my office

Monday Haiku

Five o'clock come soon
Internship is killing me
Get me out of here


They say white people love unpaid internships. ^Proof we don't.
I am so over this whole work thing. I'm beginning to think I just really need to marry rich.


<3tracy

"Okay boys, for this last photo I want you to pick up your scoutmaster and give me your most awkward smiles! Say 'CHEESY!!'"

ca. 1996

I'm not sure if this is just made funnier by the fact that my brother was a boyscout or that I dated one, but I happen to think this is one of the most hilarious pictures I've ever seen.

A-mazing.

<3tracy

the ultimate anti-procrastinator shows signs of panic!

Now that I have thoroughly celebrated Thanksgiving with the Culp-Ressler-Keim-Shenk-Nimmershiem-Martin clans (I'll take questions about my family later), it's time to do what I've been putting off all semester. It's time to write my paper.

I have known about this paper for months, but I can't bring myself to do it -- and as someone who never so much as thinks about procrastinating, this is painfully uncharacteristic of me. I'm going to blame it on the fact that American University has allowed me to become lazy and forget how to write papers.

As a college sophomore, this is the first paper I've had to write all semester. I don't know how this happened, but I imagine it's due to the college gods smiling down upon me. (Of course, these are the same gods that make sure that I get into the classes I want, convince me not to change my minor, and give me psychology professors who curve grades. I like to think that I'm a passive participant in my life. It helps me sleep better.) Anyway, what I initially thought of as a blessing has revealed itself as a curse, because my paper is due in 6 days and I'm trying to remind myself how to format footnotes.

(A side note: I realize that for a normal college student, a paper due in 6 days means 5 more glorious days of freedom before the need to sit down and start the paper. I am not a normal student. I am crazy. Really, really, really crazy. I can't explain my irrational urge to finish things at least 3 days before they're due, except maybe my mom didn't let me procrastinate enough as a child. That, and my whole struggle to sleep at night thing.)

So here I am, locked in my house, trying to convince myself that this is just as good of a place to embark on my paper as the library. And it is like the library, sort of -- only with the addition of two cats, three younger brothers, a ridiculous amount of baked goods, and a cacophony of electric guitars, NPR, and vacuuming. College gods, where are you now??!?

<3tara

the important things in life

Things my mom remembered:

- what time my bus arrived in PA

- my serious addiction to chai (she was armed and ready to combat my post-travel grumpiness)

- how fast we needed to drive to make it home for the new episode of Law & Order: SVU (apparently, 25 mph over the speed limit)

- how much she loves to delegate doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting bookshelves to her favorite oldest child

Things my mom forgot:

- my roommates' names (sorry, Roxanne and Lauren, she'll get it eventually!)

- my MAJOR (really? really.)

- all of the classes I am currently taking, planning to take, or have ever taken in my life 

- where/when/why I am studying abroad

<3tara

how you know it's time for Thanksgiving break

Soooo not to belabor the whole "Tracy and Tara are Facebook stalkers" theme, but I think I've found my calling.

At our OneVoice event tonight (SHAMELESS PLUG: if you don't know what this organization is, you should check it out because we do a lot of things on campus -- plus, I'm on the executive board, so you're ensured the added benefit of my presence), the speaker discussed her work with Seeds of Peace, a nonprofit based in Israel. Part of her job dealt with networking and creating groups and seeking out people, and she said that Facebook was a really integral part of her research. 

In her words: "As a young person who is very connected to Facebook, I am very skilled at looking at people's friends and finding mutual friends and, well, stalking."

Considering that I have recently spent an embarrassing amount of time browsing wall-to-walls, going through profile pictures, and refreshing my news feed instead of working on my 10-page paper, this bodes extremely well for me. If there are future careers to be made in Facebook stalking, I'll never have to worry about papers, majors, internships, grad schools, or anything else ever again! I don't think I have to explain how excited this makes me.

<3tara

I <3 PostSecret

Confession: I am a shameless facebook stalker.
Request: Stop me if I ever take it this far.

i love you, PostSecret

<3tracy

Nat's ultimate expression of patriotism

"I'm abstaining from sex until I can find some American-made condoms. No condoms are made in this country anymore because they're all from fucking, like, India and Bangladesh. And I'm an American!"

Babysitting is the sweetest gig EVER.

So I'm sacrificing my Saturday night to babysit two kids under the age of 4. And when I say babysit, I mean that I'm getting paid to relax on a leather couch, watch a plasma screen TV, eat every Whole Foods product known to man, and blog. 

After the parents picked me up at 7:00, they spent half an hour putting their kids to bed while I waited downstairs and read a Newsweek. (At this point, I started to question my role as so-called "babysitter," but I didn't protest.) Once the kids were soundly asleep, they gave me their cell phone numbers, the remote, and permission to enjoy the contents of their fridge. Apparently they're meeting some friends for a three-hour dinner party or something, and they assured me I would have no trouble while they were gone.

Mom: "Worst case scenario, William wakes up and screams and wakes up Edward and you'll have to read them some stories. Or sing. Or something. Whatever, it won't happen. Call the pediatrician if there's an emergency. But there won't be. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You'll be fine. Do you want any cookies?"

Me: "Um....okay."

Dad: "Edward has been sleeping through the night for months. He never wakes up. Ever."

Mom: "And William has a cold, so he's been sleeping more than usual."

Dad: "Have I showed you how to turn on the TV?"

Me (in my head): SERIOUSLY?

So here I am, appreciating Northwest DC as I never have before. Gotta love rich Bethesda-ites with overtired children.

(A sidenote: one of William's bedtime stories contained the line, "The skunks enjoyed kissing each other so much that they decided to get married. It was a beautiful wedding." Maybe this is my neuroses talking, but the first thing that sprang to my mind was THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD that real life is nothing like bedtime storybooks. Shudder.)

<3tara

newsflash: i'm weird

You know that google quick search thing in your internet browser toolbar. Well it shows whatever you google until you erase it or search for something new.

The last thing I googled: "stuffed mustache."

Make of that what you will, readers.


<3tracy

why I have a love hate relationship with fire alarms

Why I hate fire alarms:

-They wake me up at 1AM when I'm tired and sick.
-They require that I stand around in 22 degree weather for an unreasonable length of time.
-They require that I roll out of bed and appear in public without benefit of a hairbrush.
-They force me to choose between putting on a bra or putting on shoes.

Why I love fire alarms:

-Encounters like this: Kid with crazy hair walks by me, Roxanne, and Trent. He yells 'BITCH!' I turn and look at him. He looks at me and says 'Not you.' He looks at Roxanne and says 'Oh, and not you.' He looks at Trent and says 'And certainly not you, sir.' And then he walks away.

<3tracy

The great fridge debacle is finally resolved.

After a stressful night, a couple of meltdowns, extensive internet research, and a trip to Best Buy, we now have a working fridge! I think the three of us will be happy together. Tracy promised to defrost it regularly, love it forever, and keep it away from sharp knives. 

So all is well. Although it's been making a disturbingly loud noise that reminds me of a coffee maker -- I hope it's not suffering from any appliance identity issues.

I'm not THAT contagious.

"If you get me sick, I'll...pee on your bed!" - Nick

Kate's explanation for why she's going to India

"The problem is that I saw the movie RENT. Now I have to live every day like I have AIDS!"

Freezers and Freon and Freakouts, OH MY!

I thought today was going just fine. Little did I know that disaster was looming just beyond the horizon.

In retrospect, I should have known something was going to go absolutely, horribly, terribly wrong today.

I should have known when I accidentally stabbed myself in the eye with an eyelash curler. I should have known when I caused an avalanche of shitake mushrooms at Whole Foods. I should have known when I unintentionally (but nevertheless very blatantly) snubbed my ex-boyfriend. And I should have known when I got my arm caught between the wall and my bed trying to retrieve a lost hair clip.

But despite these obstacles, I carried on. Business as usual. In fact, I was in such a good mood, I decided to do a little cleaning. I put in a load of laundry, cleared off my desk, and made my bed. And then, I moved on to the task I was most dreading: cleaning the fridge. I had been putting it off for weeks and I was beginning to wonder if Tara had noticed that all her Tupperware was missing and that it was all in our fridge, filled with something that now only vaguely resembled food.

Tara had gone to a meeting so I was left to tackle the beast on my own. After emptying the Tupperware and washing the shelves, there was only one thing left to do: destroy the 3 inch thick layer of ice on our freezer. As a kid I remember my mom chipping the ice off of our freezer with a huge knife. I also remember her telling me not to tell my dad that she was doing it. Tonight I learned why.

I grabbed a small knife and my hair dryer and set to work. I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it might be a bad idea to use a hair dryer to melt ice on a freezer. I'm told that hair dryers and water have a pretty rocky relationship. But I never suspected that that innocent little paring knife would cause the crisis that it did.

I was happily chipping away at the ice when all of the sudden I felt my hand burning. It wasn't the kind of burning you feel when you hold your hand in the oven too long or when you accidentally pick up a curling iron by the wrong end (story for another day); no, it was a completely different sensation. Remember that lab safety video your high school chemistry teacher showed on the first day of class? The one where some kid accidentally spills a beaker of hydrochloric acid on his lab partner. Well the kind of burning I was feeling was the kind of burning you imagine that kid's lab partner felt.

Convinced that I had somehow released a spray of toxic chemicals, I rushed to the bathroom and frantically began scrubbing my hands. In a panic I called my suitemates in and told them that something terrible had happened but I wasn't really sure what. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: "MY HAND IS BURNING OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD. Go see what's wrong with the fridge!!!"
Lauren: "I can hear the hissing noise, but I don't see anything wrong."
Me: "It's spewing some sort of chemicals!!! Take all the food out!!!"
Roxanne: "What did you do?"
Me: "I stabbed the freezer!!"
Roxanne: "You did what?? I don't see any holes!"
Me (pointing to a pin-sized hole): "It's right there! WHAT SHOULD I DO? OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD"
Roxanne: "Go find Dave."

While Roxanne and Lauren tended to the wounded fridge, I ran down the hall and retrieved Dave.

Me: "DAVE HELP ME HELP ME. OMIGOD I'M HAVING A MELTDOWN!"
Dave: "What happened?!"
Me: "I killed our freezer!!! It's spewing chemicals or something!!!"
Dave: "Oh so it's not a meltdown, it's a cooldown?"
Me: "STOP JOKING AND HELP ME!!! OMIGOD OMIGOD"

Dave assessed the situation and determined that he had no clue what I had done. So I did what I always do when I break something: I called my father and started crying on the phone. Between sobs I explained what had happened. He told me that the good news was that my freezer wasn't spewing toxic chemicals. Apparently it was leaking something called Freon which keeps the fridge cold. So the burn I felt was just some really cold-ass Freon leaking out of the puncture wound. But my relief didn't last long when he told me that the bad news was that my entire fridge was now broken. He didn't know that the worse news was that it was Tara's fridge.

This fact took my freakout to a whole new level. I seemed to have forgotten every word in my vocabulary except OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD. I thought for sure that Tara would freak when she found out. I thought maybe I could find I replacement fridge before she got back from her meeting. It would be like when you accidentally kill your friend's goldfish. I could find an identical fridge and Tara would be none the wiser. Unfortunately there's really no place to buy a mini-fridge at 10PM on a Sunday night. I was just going to have to come clean.

I tried to pull myself together in time to get to a group meeting. When I finally arrived at the library I was noticeably frazzled and when they asked what was wrong, I launched into my confession: I am a fridge killer. I was almost in tears and so were they. But they were crying because they were laughing so hard. Clearly they didn't understand the gravity of the situation. I calmed myself down and we carried on with the meeting. Everybody was celebrating the A we had received on our group paper. I started to tear up again. "What's wrong?" they asked. I answered, "We got an A on our paper, but without a fridge, what will I put it on?!" This sent them into another fit of laughter. Finally, so overcome by anxiety that I couldn't sit still for another minute, I left the meeting and walked home to face my doom.

As I walked back to my room I started getting more and more nervous. I rehearsed what I was going to tell Tara. "I'm so so so so so so SO sorry. I killed your fridge. The doctors say he died of Freon loss. I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen." Much to my relief I came home and found out that Lauren had explained the whole mess to Tara and she was totally fine with it. She knew I'd buy a replacement and all would be right in the world.

And even though there's a shiny new fridge waiting for me at Best Buy, I still can't help but feel bad for our old fridge. He was so young, so full of life and many jars of salsa. You always like to believe that something as tragic as a fridge stabbing could never happen to you. Maybe to some fridge in southeast, but never to your fridge. Well I'm telling you, dear readers, it can happen to you.

I am Tracy. I kill fridges. And I'm on the run from the law.

Lock your doors at night. Your fridge could be next.