After a stressful night, a couple of meltdowns, extensive internet research, and a trip to Best Buy, we now have a working fridge! I think the three of us will be happy together. Tracy promised to defrost it regularly, love it forever, and keep it away from sharp knives.
So all is well. Although it's been making a disturbingly loud noise that reminds me of a coffee maker -- I hope it's not suffering from any appliance identity issues.
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